Sitting room only.
Everything I stand for fell by the wayside.
Never in this heart, but always in these eyes –
the energies disguising their despising of truth.
Perspective is a ruthless mutha…
navigating minds to give reason to
abuse one another.
One can’t further the cause of another
‘cause good intentions come with a clause;
good for me, doesn’t mean good for you.
Your shade of green colors my shade of blue.
Prosperity gleaning from the stroking of your
superfluous ego leaves the streaming
of my dreaming washed out cold.
Fire smothered by the wet blanket of indifference;
worth diminished in the smugness of knowing;
love stifled through the unraveling of pretense;
hence, the unseemly filtering of
my outward spirit.
There’s simply no justice in it…
ergo, where you go, I cannot.
Hope drips eternal, but it’s a slow leak, and
each time I stand up for it;
some piece of shit blots it out.
I try to widen the spout, but
narrow is the mind of the disbeliever
and cynicism is contagious.
Flying high becomes outrageous…
the longer I pour universal ideology
down the drains of tunnel vision mentality.
The vacuum is full and needs to be emptied,
but thick skins hold firmly to their dust;
sights blink blinded by loose particles bound
to nothingness. And so,
I recline in resolve.
Breath extracted…
Fervor dissolved…
Passion – just a pulse along the small of the
backbone I sink low to rest deep in.
Cradle me tight in this not quite fetal pose,
as I transpose my bearings from my
outcast wearings to the quiet place inside.
Hush you utterings of my soul
into this safe empty space,
which holds my every weight,
at least until I have the
strength to rise again.
Nik's Place 
Pingback: Taking a Seat — Nik’s Place | dorinfaiththoughtscount
Does this have something to do with you being away for so long? For love, or for pain, you rock your words just the same. Nice to have you back.
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Haha… you rhymed. 🙂 Fortunately, my heart has only succumbed to a couple of bouts of “deep like” over the past several years. Unfortunately, I’m such a tender creature that a wound is still a wound just the same. Love may equate to a recovery period of months or years; while deep like gets three days to a week… tops. Lol Seriously, though, this is more about an overall frustration with the type of doters I seem to attract. I am generally considered (by friends and coworkers) to be genuine, honest, giving, hopeful, joyful, attentive, fun, active, playful, considerate, accommodating, intelligent, intuitive, hilarious and deeply spiritual… oh, did I mention downright lovable!?!😀 But I tell you, the world is just so full of disingenuous people… and I am their magnet. Ugh!! I don’t even try to attract anyone. In fact, I deflect pretty much any attention I get. So if I let you in, you’ve probably worked your way in as a friend already and are trying to up the ante. Therein lies the rub… a “friend” who was never really a “friend” but someone on a mission all along. That is what is truly hurtful. I’m good though. I’m quite used to people not being what they seem and my instincts protected me from relinquishing my heart to an undeserving fella.
Now, while there was that bit of distraction, so much more actually kept me too occupied to create in this space. Xavier graduated high school and junior college… and is currently in a summer engineering program leading up to his freshman year at UCSD. We’ve traveled down to UCSD almost every month since spring for orientation and different events. He’ll come back home next month for two weeks before starting Fall quarter. He LOVES it too!! Yay!! We also made another trip out to see my dad back east in the VA hospital in June. They just released him a few weeks ago. I’m dealing with a couple of other family matters that are rather time consuming. This is an election year at work, so the madness there has been a little thicker than usual. Then there’s my volunteer work, too… AND, when I do have a bit of free time… I’m either looking for scholarships for Xavier, working on one of the books I’ve agreed to copy edit and co-author for other people, or doing (writing) favors for friends. So the past six months have been a little insane. I’m working my way back though, and already see so many goodies that I’ve missed. Can’t wait to catch up… and to check out your latest series.
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I hadn’t heard that expression “deep like” before – I like it. (A sigh for all the undeserving fellas, being good for painful, spiritual growth but not a worthy relationship.) After an insane six months, it sounds like you could use a vacation. You’re excused from getting caught up too fast. 🙂
You must have told me before, but what kind of work do you do, that you are caught up with the election? I am painfully following the daily barely believable headlines coming out of this election cycle… God help us.
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Yes… “deep like” is an evolution in discerning emotions. Age, experience and refinement has taught me to cling tightly to that other “L” word, unless I am spreading it to the masses… which is apparently its sole purpose in my life up to this point!! Ha. All in God’s timing… if/when it happens, it will certainly be worth the wait and trial runs. In the meantime, loving LIFE is at the top of my agenda and I know how to do THAT well. 😀
Vacation would be lovely, but we’re starting our 120 days of fun here where I live, which means long hours, working weekends, and general madness all around… but fun madness! lol So, this year marks my 10th anniversary of serving in municipal government. While our city rock stars are not nearly as obnoxious and conniving as the national contenders, they are still operating on “diva” status most days, and certainly give us plenty to ponder. I am a management analyst in communications, which essentially means I write beautiful, compelling, intelligent speeches for city officials and politicians, and then help clean up the mess when they say something other than what I wrote. I also manage our city website and assist with local events, business grand openings, press conferences, media relations, special projects… all that jazz.
Funny thing is… now that Xavier is off to college, he seriously wants me to quit this gig and move… travel… explore the world, because he knows my heart & spirit. He said he appreciates the sacrifices I’ve made being a single mom raising him and making sure he’s had the best that I could provide for his development into the amazing young man he is. He says this little desert town and the people in it are too limiting for my presence (he’s never cared for any of my handful of doters either… lol) Isn’t that cool, though… that my kid has the wherewithal to tell me, “Mom – you’re still young, go be free and do all the things you put on hold because you put me first. Live life to the fullest because you deserve it!” Man, I love that kid! I do plan on taking some awesome vacations to explore the possibilities, once I get a handle on helping him with college tuition. Personally, I am DYING to visit India. I feel it will be a spiritual uplifting and amazing experience (so I may hit you and your mom up for travel and culture advice, when I cross that road). Xavier wants to go to Egypt (not sure with or without me) and I’d love to take him to Israel, but we’ll see how it all plays out. In the meantime, I spotted a beautiful hiking spot in Northern Cal called Burney Falls, which seems doable in a long weekend. I’ll take what I can at this point. Alright… I’m going to stop rambling now (can you tell I miss you guys?!?!?) I sooo appreciate getting a little slack on the catch-up phase 🙂 Later gator
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