He said, “I do”
Somehow I always knew.
Denial and the Will are a
Dreams of ever-after
capsulized into a tiny gaseous star
buried in the depths of my bosom.
It’s only light, the flicker in my eyes.
Days became freedom runs;
I always shined in the rat race.
Dusk drew dimmer times, and
weekends were the darkest.
I didn’t want to watch, but
could never look away.
That was the twist of the blade.
What about me was never enough?
He said, “I never will… again”
That one actually fooled me.
foolish had become my surname.
It was never as blatant as
the first time…
pressed into the wall by the grip
of his drunken stupor,
but the encores would mark
another beginning to the end.
I knew I was broken,
I didn’t know how much.
Not all of me was daft;
escaping became an art
and then a routine.
Perhaps I could survive this…
‘til death do us part.
He never said, “I couldn’t”
I just assumed it.
She wasn’t the first, but
she was my sister after all.
And there I was… the leading role;
Sigourney Weaver in
“Liars in the Mist” and
I alone searched in the dark.
Which truth would be mine?
Death triumphed over the knowing.
Defenses of the mind are second only
to defenses of the heart,
I protected both;
Failure was not an option.
I would be the perfect wife and mother
at all costs.
And the alternate universe began.
I said, “I will not give up”
The eventual clouding over of my heart
loosened my grasp until the
notion of –us– unknowingly slipped
through my fingers.
Fear’s shadow retreated,
and likewise – hope.
Boundaries began to fade with
all the reasons I once had to care.
My bag of tricks emptied…
no more facades of perfection,
no more afflicting suspicions,
no more chill of isolation.
I still wasn’t me, but at least
I wasn’t her anymore either.
I just was.
Existing without delusion was enough.
I never thought, “I will one day”
But one day came.
In a moment, I took it all in:
twelve years and counting;
adrift in a world with so many layers,
I’m still peeling off skins.
I knew I was stronger than the
sum of my hurts, but my spirit wasn’t.
Without warning, she left me
and all her vexations followed.
The scars of my flesh and the
wounds of my soul – together
armored my heart,
on that one day,
in that one moment,
and I was no longer his.
I was no longer his.
And discovery of my universe began,
as I searched in the Light
to regain what was lost.
Found this gem via Sreejit. An excellent read…sending you best wishes
Thank you, Mehak. ♡
Sreejit sent me your way, and I’m so glad he did. You’re a strong woman, and by no means a mere victim. I’m happy to have caught a glimpse of the past that made you who you are today, and I hope that you emerge stronger every day.
*hugs* to you!
You are so kind, thank you, anawnimiss. Hugs received!
Your poem is SO powerful. You describe the process you went through so vividlyl. I’m glad you are free and rebuilding.
Thank you Karuna. It’s been some time, so I was able to pull it back a bit. Anything more would’ve seemed like the ramblings of a victim, which I am not. 🙂
You did not sound like a victim at all. You sounded very clear.
Making a decision to “live” again is the hardest…the rest is a slow process of self-discovery. What a poignant, real poem of survival!
Thank you. I am most grateful to not be filled with malice or bitterness. When such things are able to alter the core of your being, your heart… that is the true tragedy. I am exceedingly blessed to be grounded in love. ♡
forgiveness is as soothing and liberating as falling in love….only difference is you have more clarity. Bitterness is cancerous to the soul and sometimes to the body. Blessings >3
Reblogged this on The Seeker's Dungeon and commented:
This is a must read from Apoetic1. I don’t want to cloud your experience by saying too much. Just check it out.
🙂 you are gracious