Night drips down my back,
as I face rebirth’s dawning.
Death comes before Life.
Truth revealed through a tender heart
The hands shaping wounds into works of art
Eyes that see beauty in the deepest of flaws
Who gives hope to every hopeless cause
Foundation when everything trembles around
What lifts your spirit when you’ve lost ground
The Rock of Ages in your sinking sands
A quiet still voice against the world’s demands
Maker of ways when there’s no way out
Reason for believing when filled with doubt
The light of salvation when you’ve given up
The end of thirst when you drink from my cup
Everything good beneath your broken view
Love, the Creator, and I dwell within you
This is more than a declaration of my spiritual beliefs. Each statement above represents each individual’s capacity to receive and give and BE love. There is a way to convey truth that isn’t harmful, threatening or hurtful in its delivery and intent. While some express an ease in living in denial or ignorance; this perspective is disingenuous to one’s true being. Truth isn’t always welcome, and it often travels on airs of subjectivity, causing the hearer to tune out. However, whether the hearer is someone else or you, learning to deliver and receive and BE truth is necessary to realizing a life of integrity.
Everyone is wounded. Everyone has hidden parts. Often, we sacrifice the fullness of life by constantly licking those wounds or hiding behind those secret places of hurt and insecurity. Overcoming isn’t about ignoring or forgetting; it’s about learning, reshaping and offering a testimony. What good is any pain if you do not grow from it? What good are your past experiences, if they are not used to help others going through similar trials? The key word being “good”… what “good” can come of the bad you’ve known?
Love is blind. No, it is not! Love sees all, and accepts all for what it is. Yes, we want the best for and of ourselves and those we care about… some of us even want the best for and of the world at large. But let’s be honest, nothing in this life is perfect (whatever perfect means). Criticism reigns within and without on so many levels, as this world dictates a clone mentality… look like this… think like that… measure your being up against the skew of a few. Beautiful is what makes you – YOU. What makes you special… physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… is that which defines your unique contribution to the universe. Sameness is like listening to an orchestra and hearing only one note.
Who or what is your “go to” when you feel defeated? They say misery loves company. Well, I know nothing draws out darkness like light; it draws it and drowns it with hope and stability, pouring out a reassurance which lets you know that you will survive the sinking ship. Some are blessed to have others in their lives who serve as a rock; others are blessed to be that rock; and, many can only find the source of comfort they need beyond humanity’s angels. If you don’t have a source of uplifting… reach out, because there is ALWAYS someone willing to share joy with another’s heart.
Be still my aching heart. There is holiness in being still, in bringing peace to all the beating impulses of the mind and body. We often want to run, act, react, force, move, control… and in those desires, we lose our center. Rashness and anxiousness take over and master our wills and senses as we stand in defensiveness against the world. But in the stillness… in the calm… in the meditation… in the prayer… in the soothing whisper of a loved one, we can regain composure, perspective and presence. We must remember to carry a stillness within to balance the chaos among us.
Some believe in karma, while others see no consequence. Some believe everything happens for a reason, while others believe in chance. Some believe in free will, while others believe in destiny. Some believe in judgment. Some believe in nothing at all. Most, I think, believe in some combination of these. My faith rests in the guidance and protection of my God, Yahweh, while others define the Creator in other ways, if they, in fact, believe in a Creator. Even for the non-spiritual, however, there has to be a driving force internally or externally which prods one to persevere. Perhaps it is the human condition for them. I know, for me, too many miracles have occurred… too many paths have been uncovered… too many chances have been bestowed… too many tragedies have been survived… too many endings have been avoided… and too many unimaginable blessings have adorned my life for me to not believe in something greater than myself… greater than humanity… greater than this world.
This world confines, speaks doubt and negativity, and finds ways to extinguish the spirit of innocence and altruism. And yet, here we are. You and I, he and she, us and them… constantly fighting to reveal something beautiful, engaging, inspiring, and evolving… something so much more than what exists on the surface of existence. In as much as God is here for me, I am here for you, and you are here for someone else. We are all capable of leading someone else somewhere better; and, through the process, will find ourselves improved.
Everlasting life in His cup… the salvation of His sacrifice… the goodness He creates from our falls and failures… yes, these are my beliefs… my mantras… my “self-talk.” How similar or dissimilar these are from other faiths, I do not know. I do know that LOVE in and of itself is life giving. I do know that sharing LOVE with others is contagious and has brought many souls out of isolation and suffering. I do know that LOVE has seen through the dark, ugly and hateful, and has transformed hardened hearts and vexatious minds into completely new spirits of joy and abundance. I do know the power of LOVE… in God… in myself… and in you.
This silly world of ups and downs,
grasping for earth and clouds
in disproportionate measure;
fiening for frivolous work and
Where is the weight of existence
when hearts are heavier than
the feathery disposition of mind-kind?
Man is but thought and flesh,
losing soul in the center,
casting out his Inventor for the
adulteration of both.
Full scope narrows as the
cascading of false joys smother;
tethering one lie to another, and so
we suffocate in the smokescreen
that holds our baited breath.
Drawing in deeply upon the
staleness of – this is all –
and there life falls into the void.
Who is left annoyed by this
emptiness of being, this
looking without seeing, this
thinking without knowing, this
taking without needing, this
acting without feeling?
Treachery is breeding, while
balance flees its cause, leaving
today’s teeter in the shadow
of tomorrow’s cost.
Image credit: n2pub.com
How troubles find me in these fields
wrapped in petals, among smothering weeds
Deeply inhaling fresh damp earth, as I
dig deeper to sow these seeds
Like freckles lost in newborn skin,
each blemish quaintly smoothed
This face reflecting every end –
A profile still unmoved
Knowing all a heart can know,
yet seeking so much more
Praying for death as I chase new life
Self-abandoned for the One I adore
Holding steady to a centered peace
while I heel-toe on the ledge
Begging for a safe reprieve, as I’m
drawn closer to the edge
So much lies within these walls
where windows threaten to shatter
Taking cover amid hallowed halls
to escape the earthly chatter
Sirens call out with their charms,
flickering moth to flame
Darkness woos with candied tongue
Now, thoughts are dipped in shame
Herein lies the shifting lever
to this tug-of-war inside
Can compromise buy out my fervor
and gently cloak these eyes?
There is no price that can be paid
to resurrect the Light
But treasures bartered in the lay
intensify the fight
Steadfast is the soul’s one cry
while dust drifts towards the sea
The sun and moon in this spirit lie;
my struggle with humanity
Caught in these throes of freedom
Playing to win what I was born to lose
Shallow causes mark the depth of the fall
Holding less than a pause for the passions I choose
Led by a tip-toe spying the fault
Growing crass in the stride of these deeds
Sinking into steps not meant to be made
Until I finally own the stampede
Mud on the soles sticks deep to this soul
Though it bathes in the flow of the Light
Floating in clouds that swallow me whole
Setting darkness aglow in the night
Perilous stardom flickers about
Illuminating for all corners to see
Out creeps tempters behind angels’ cloaks
Now I’m dancing with the enemy’s breed
Chiseled from the center of spiritual war
Each hand adept at yielding its sword
Consorting with slaves of the devil’s hoard
Posting shields with the armies of the Lord
Affixed in a mix holding firm to the spoils
Heart gripped by Blood’s mercy and grace
While fire in the veins of my jubilant flesh
Ensure the drawing of temptation to this place
Every element of life represents the great divide
Averting eyes from the nature of the sum
Luring spirit out to play whilst the soul toils away
Existence vexed within its own conundrum
Ten years and counting
since I learned to bleed
Wounds no longer festering
inside this shell of broken dreams
Time redeems the hollowed spaces
while the hand of God replaces
the varicose traces of those imprints on my soul
Embraced in the Whole that gives me freedom
Losing bondage for the Kingdom
Eternity’s gift the day it saw the shackles fall
I will never look the same
a different cause, a different name
The knowing abandoned at the end of my glance
No reflection of your brand upon my heart
just one stroke in the beauty of this art
Now I dance in the comforts of chance
in a world divinely made for me
Thank you for the time you couldn’t spare
for stealing moments of my air
for breaking down all the good I tried to see
So grateful for vacant dinner tables
silence when all was unstable
unheard cries through darkest nights
heartless acts with scornful might
That smothering absence of any heed
whenever my spirit couldn’t breathe
was exactly what I needed to survive
Never was a fall so low until your kind
I came to know and still the rise so
ever high once failure resurrected hope
The scope is immeasurable
this growing into self in spite of self
by way of self’s ability to overcome the impossible
You crushed the innocence of my love while
laying the stepping stones for my ascension
And at least in this dimension I am compelled
to thank you for all the wrongs that fueled
the heaving throng of miseries which freed me
Ten years and counting the ever mounting
sea of blessings which hold my being
in a depth of seeing that guides my path
since the day I walked away from you
It swings both ways…
the door between
my contagious charms
and the burn behind your gaze
Your phase is just a meltdown,
a falling into what can never sustain
These bones refuse to sink into
shifting sands that sift through
shallow, weakened walls…
Arms unloaded and locked, not meant
to understand the tides that
stir this spirit’s pause
I pray you feel this cause
Rejecting moods of reckless man,
praise rides wild on doting breaths
my soul cannot contain;
a force that gnaws at soulless limbs
which wish such love was tamed
Unashamed and hanging in defeat,
loosed tongues wield whetted blades;
prepping now a victor’s march as if
such things can cut these flames
This source knows no retreat,
a Will of power beyond my own,
seized in the Light that never dims,
a joy with an unceasing roar, but you’re
standing at my door, wearing
eternity in your glare,
darkness furies in your stare
And I, fully aware of the
Heart who holds my own,
wonder which you fear more…
the power of Glory within
or the sight of the open door
He said, “I do”
Somehow I always knew.
Denial and the Will are a
Dreams of ever-after
capsulized into a tiny gaseous star
buried in the depths of my bosom.
It’s only light, the flicker in my eyes.
Days became freedom runs;
I always shined in the rat race.
Dusk drew dimmer times, and
weekends were the darkest.
I didn’t want to watch, but
could never look away.
That was the twist of the blade.
What about me was never enough?
He said, “I never will… again”
That one actually fooled me.
foolish had become my surname.
It was never as blatant as
the first time…
pressed into the wall by the grip
of his drunken stupor,
but the encores would mark
another beginning to the end.
I knew I was broken,
I didn’t know how much.
Not all of me was daft;
escaping became an art
and then a routine.
Perhaps I could survive this…
‘til death do us part.
He never said, “I couldn’t”
I just assumed it.
She wasn’t the first, but
she was my sister after all.
And there I was… the leading role;
Sigourney Weaver in
“Liars in the Mist” and
I alone searched in the dark.
Which truth would be mine?
Death triumphed over the knowing.
Defenses of the mind are second only
to defenses of the heart,
I protected both;
Failure was not an option.
I would be the perfect wife and mother
at all costs.
And the alternate universe began.
I said, “I will not give up”
The eventual clouding over of my heart
loosened my grasp until the
notion of –us– unknowingly slipped
through my fingers.
Fear’s shadow retreated,
and likewise – hope.
Boundaries began to fade with
all the reasons I once had to care.
My bag of tricks emptied…
no more facades of perfection,
no more afflicting suspicions,
no more chill of isolation.
I still wasn’t me, but at least
I wasn’t her anymore either.
I just was.
Existing without delusion was enough.
I never thought, “I will one day”
But one day came.
In a moment, I took it all in:
twelve years and counting;
adrift in a world with so many layers,
I’m still peeling off skins.
I knew I was stronger than the
sum of my hurts, but my spirit wasn’t.
Without warning, she left me
and all her vexations followed.
The scars of my flesh and the
wounds of my soul – together
armored my heart,
on that one day,
in that one moment,
and I was no longer his.
I was no longer his.
And discovery of my universe began,
as I searched in the Light
to regain what was lost.