Abba

Never as forgiving, and still,
your shadow casts a light.
The might of your tone always
lured my spirit home, wishing
to meet in the secret of night.
In our essence is the fight;
your entitlement to authority
and my self-preserving right
to be free of such.
Neither of us wanted much, but
your ruling hand was heavy and
the needs I missed were steady,
causing both of us to run from
what we loved.
Only He above understood
the bond within the distance and
every instance of my life that
felt not quite right because
your impression was incomplete.
All these spaces searching
all those faces and shallow hearts
in lonely places, hoping
there was one who held
like your embrace.
How could I refill what I didn’t taste?
Both fathers out of reach,
neither afforded the royal seat –
no palace in these ruins
to host court;
only singe and rubble,
the tumbles and fumbles
that knocked the solid grounding
from my grip.
None of them were passing ships,
but hollow shells that felt like crypts,
as I tossed and turned and tried
to make them fit.
No one wears like you…
So, in your final hours let me
slip into your power and melt
into the nature of your hold.
Leave what’s written in ago;
in this moment here behold,
you are the only man I’ve loved
with all my soul.

Anniversary

Ten years and counting

since I learned to bleed

Wounds no longer festering

inside this shell of broken dreams

Time redeems the hollowed spaces

while the hand of God replaces

the varicose traces of those imprints on my soul

Embraced in the Whole that gives me freedom

Losing bondage for the Kingdom

Eternity’s gift the day it saw the shackles fall

I will never look the same

a different cause, a different name

The knowing abandoned at the end of my glance

No reflection of your brand upon my heart

just one stroke in the beauty of this art

Now I dance in the comforts of chance

in a world divinely made for me

Thank you for the time you couldn’t spare

for stealing moments of my air

for breaking down all the good I tried to see

So grateful for vacant dinner tables

silence when all was unstable

unheard cries through darkest nights

heartless acts with scornful might

That smothering absence of any heed

whenever my spirit couldn’t breathe

was exactly what I needed to survive

Never was a fall so low until your kind

I came to know and still the rise so

ever high once failure resurrected hope

The scope is immeasurable

this growing into self in spite of self

by way of self’s ability to overcome the impossible

You crushed the innocence of my love while

laying the stepping stones for my ascension

And at least in this dimension I am compelled

to thank you for all the wrongs that fueled

the heaving throng of miseries which freed me

Ten years and counting the ever mounting

sea of blessings which hold my being

in a depth of seeing that guides my path

since the day I walked away from you

Clarity

Broken_Heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breath held
Til I turn blue
This air breeds pain
Lies here – all laced in truth
To make this fool insane
Dangling from deceptive hope
I’ve never dwelled elsewhere
Rolling down its barb-wired slope
Through sins I shouldn’t bear
Whipped by tongues unholy and fierce
My heart dons scars of war
They float on the daggers
By which I’m pierced
Penetrating my soul like whores
Affixed by tears
I cannot swallow
I’m drowned from inside out
And all that awaits me in the morrow
A sea of crashing doubt
Ire of a thousand stabbed til blind
Tenfold this depth of sorrow
Good and bad so intertwined
A tightrope far too narrow
Vultures spy with sweet unrest
And hungers to be fed
Lest I land upon one’s tongue
My sacrificial bed
Silenced by too many falls
No song remains within
A sole whisper my spirit cries
Consumed by the belly it’s in
Melting away in the molting junction
Of failure and despair
Dismayed by the smothering resolution
Love was never here

Seismic

Love melts into cemented planes
of indifference
Molten cores still manage to stir
while the surface remains stoic
Volcanic spouts contained
to minimize a pouring out of
compromise
No one can surmise the
complexities of this mindless
hearth that overthinks the heart
and leaves sensibilities
dumbfounded
Anything grounded turns to mush
so don’t sink any deeper
In the depths of this jovial shell
lies the reaper of imaginings
feeding death my lofty dreams
Extreme steam melts zealous
hopes into a spill of cyclical
tears… a constant raining inside
Vibrations verify there’s life
still, but little will
to ride the next wave
of activity
This cavity begs for a
new destiny

Why

One trick ponies
riding pink elephants
float on clouds of mayhem
refusing to see
the curtain is drawn and
the act should be over
Life stops where the stage
drops off because
earth is flat in this existence
and once you cross the edge
there’s no coming back
Cheap fixes call for
lowlife hustles so the mirage
can maintain the only pinch
of sanity for the insane
Reality’s cure flies in
on a breeze where granules
travel above a table
on bruised knees
Tunnel vision
through a hand tool
shoved in an orifice
Dementia is the saving grace
Beauty spun from a brilliant
mind into the black widow’s
landmine waiting to explode
Who’s listening to the
secret’s told in this darkness
when the spotlight breaks
the soul’s silence
She who matters most
But oh yeah no one matters
Here
Heart’s betrayal
like butterfly wings
flutters into the night sky
There is no why
It just is

Misspent

How do I love you?
The account will claim
Sleepless nights
Foggy days
Sweet nothings lost
In powdered haze
Crimson veils
That stung and swayed
Turned rusted locks
Broke magic keys
Dropped inflamed hearts
Down to their knees
Skin worn in
To bleed the need
Starved the soul
To feed your creed
Eyes flipped back
I missed the view
Living for
Another you
Serpent’s tongue
A thousand molds
Proof your goods
Were bought and sold
Receipts
The lowest bidder holds
Blows-Blows-Blows
Hit beneath the gut
Stalled out in vacuums
You sealed shut
Without even knowing
No growing
Just honing in
On the distance
Between the spin
Of our two worlds
You can touch my love
But you can’t breathe it in
No vacancy amongst
The demons within
How do I love you?
You can’t comprehend
Released from Light
Your darkest fears
Unleashed to flee
The love that dared
How did you miss
All that was spent
Loving you…

Ruben

Runaway spirit chased into night’s howl
Unfamiliar with the tender bosom of devotion
Broken against love’s bridge from here to there
Ever wooing the comforts of darkness’ minions
Never trusting the peace within

Haunted

What has come to pass
lurks in the shadows
feeding his need to escape
then, now and tomorrow

Smiles drenched in sorrow
he fools everyone
but me
and himself

Hopes tossed on a shelf
too high for his high
to reach
dreams fall in betrayal

Mind fully capable
plays the dozens
with his soul…
overtaking his heart

His body plays the part
victim of circumstance
used in this game
as a tool of chemistry

Justified by philosophy
experiment looms fatal
holding one cause
to suspend the madman

Hunting in the sand
grains of reality creep up
swallowing false foundation
sinking a world created

Unable to stay sedated
blades retract and
exit wounds cry out
“just one more chance…”

Back pocket of his pants
still toting weapons
of self-destruction
death on hold for another day

Now

Rain will fall hard
until second wind
hales the hail storm

Broken pieces cry foul
then time out
clueless – the binding agent

Time engulfs itself
turning hands to
the twelfth hour

The leaning tower
loses its bend
and its crumble is spent

Priceless – the cost
a soul tossed
into oblivion

Tomorrow
we’ll breathe again
but for now – take cover

Soul in Mourning

Breaths drawn strain through constricting reeds;
inhales ache and exhales bleed the unknown.
I become savior, martyr, motivation and devastation
all in one.
He severs the hand of Yah
while reaching for the serpent’s tail,
introducing me to the addict’s living hell.
Life and death weighted
falsely on my shoulders…
a broken heart’s boulder to carry ‘til the end.
Beats of hope in the void,
now his target practice,
are too wounded to pulse for two anymore.
Hours on end of loving him are
sacrificed in blind devotion to the
deception and desperation of his demons.
Sights solely on the spawns of their semen;
he’s chopping down trees of life for no reason.
Truth sprouts open pores which whisper,
I’m yours…
if you maintain.
How ironic,
his creatures are manic and wild,
but it is I who is insane;
holding hands with the universe pulling in vain
to rescue man from adolescence when the
nightmare is his preference.
Chasing unforgiving darkness into a world
hopeless and loveless;
he watches every tear fall pointless
from my shattered olive branch.
Cold winter chill blows hard into my fading garden,
and warmth escapes my nature without pardon.
What is this fatal blow?
Why was this for me to know?
I was not created for this death,
nor prepared for such a loss.
I pray,
Must this be the cost?
Oh God, the burning in my core,
a pain I’ll feel forevermore,
how will I bear the letting go…
the deepest mourning of my soul

The Death of Hope

Smothered by brewed drops of death;
Hope wrestles ’til limp,
drained by retracting streams of possibiities
because the tides never quite roll in.
I’m no longer flooded by fallacies and
false pleasantries.
Despair, made fully aware,
drifts into heart’s altar
enacting afixia.
Pale, blue, rubbery crow
plucked bare by reality…
sick from toxic puffs of
love gone awry.
Lie after lie
wake and watchful
rob me blind.
Darkness becomes sublime
before the treacherous dawn.
Life trembles right before it dies.
Now, I exist for another time.

Fire & Gasoline

Free flowing
Flame roaming
Untamed
Fire in the wild
Blazing lovechild
Earth met Heaven
In the meanwhile
And sprung
This dance
Into colorful chaos
Moves that live
To consume
Dancing whispers of
Love
With a heat that murmurs
Come to me
Heeded
Answer exceeded anticipation
Trickled in
Like tidal waves
Bum-rushing
Burning veins
Run
Duck
Sway
No escape
Fuel’s rape injecting
Explosions of corruption
Inciting
Inferno’s rage
Torched stage
Next phase
Smoke settles
Ash remains
Nothing’s the same
Fire met gas
Neither maintained

Angst

miniscule insipid mouse
gentle, assuming
quaint, fearful
softly wrapped bundle
awaiting the feeding…
the sting
deeply punctured
by life’s serpent
breath arrested
heart exploding
running about unheeded
unanswered
unaware
thoughts soar
body falls
into duress
heaven is still as
earth spins about my whiskers
sensory overload
none of it is real
or
all of it is real
and
none of it matters
scatter your daggers
retract your venomous
pricks
leave me to
clouds of abandon
notions of righteousness
a delusion of recovery…
in preparation for
your next feeding

in transition

organic
my skin bubbles up
manic
as vessels tremble inside
love conquers all
but
ambitious blows
collide
with my chi
this is bigger than me
hopeful
he entered me
as a dragon
hard and mystical
breath
warm and soothing
left me singed
still…
heat waves pulse
like chronic seizures
with thoughts of him
imagine what
his touch does
embers blazing
beneath
bronze eyes
what can i say
that won’t
melt in his flames
words run scared
down my throat
before i choke
gaze falls upon
perfect puffs which
frame his mouth
a single graze
affirms
woman was made
for man
here I am
but
she
rode him first
vengeful scarlet
dripping crystallized dreams
from her
diamond-studded crotch
haunting
wooing
stripping
down his soul
with her mind-licking
poison
he’s lost in her…
her lustful ways
seductive moans
addictive taste
lifeless heart
his chosen fate
he’s lost in crystal

I’m just lost

Locked Away

Springs of Life

flow foolishly

from this artery.

Again I’ve failed

to heed

the only scripture

written just for me…

“Above all else,

guard your heart”

Gift of Love

without capacity

is the package

wrapped within me.

And every drop

that falls down my face

reminds me that

all I need is His Grace.

Purposed for more

than any embrace,

any sweet word,

any false hope

of united worlds,

any deep kiss,

or dreamy gaze,

any stirring in my depths

for loving ways.

Be still.

Don’t sway.

Nothing I feel is ever meant for me.

The longing in my veins,

ripple in my blood,

tingle in my pores,

overflowing love…

all tools of service,

mercies from Above.

Forever in His Will

to live outside myself;

I’ll cross the line no more,

dream of nothing else.

Sinking into the dusk,

what must be locked away.

Rising in the dawn

rediscovering my way.

Obeying every word

of His Proverb

as I start…

Above all else,

I will guard my foolish heart.